I had this one written down...I want to try on wedding dresses. I want to feel what it's like to see my reflection as a Bride-to-be. But every time I went past a bridal shop, I chickened out. I was afraid. Getting married and having a family is something that I really want and I don't have it...yet. And I knew if I went through the process of "trying" this role out, I would be confronted with some emotional stuff that I may not be ready to share. I feared it would emphasize that big, fat elephant in the room: YOU'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED!! WHO ARE YOU TO BE TRYING WEDDING DRESSES ON? But, this experience is teaching me I am someone who steps up to fear and says, "Excuse me, thanks for guarding that door, but I'm going in anyway!"
So last week, I walked into a bridal store and headed straight for the big, white dresses. As I browsed the aisles, I was inundated with thoughts: This doesn't feel like me....Why do I need to be in white anyway...Do I really want to be in a traditional gown? I realized the little girl in me and the woman I am were meeting for the first time. And we didn't agree. The fantasy that I had garnered was for the twenty-something girl that I no longer was. It was for a girl who didn't take the risks I took; who didn't travel and explore places on her own; and who wasn't comfortable in the unknown.
I realized at that moment the fantasy of my wedding gown was attached to a very, out-of-date version of myself. And all the time I kept this fantasy alive in my head, I NEVER, EVER imagined I would feel differently. Because the truth is...I am not traditional. I am comfortable being on my own and happy living a life I continually co-create and love. And the other truth is...I do sometimes feel sad about not having that "traditional" married/family life that I want. And I'm finally okay with that. It's what makes me a beautiful, vulnerable, real 40-year-old woman. I never did try on a wedding dress, but I made peace with that little girl and assured her, I can take over now. And when the moment is revealed, I'll choose what's "fitting" for me.
These blog posts are part of my #40daysoffearlessacts Challenge. When I turned Forty on June 6th of this year, I decided to STEP-UP my life and created a "40 Days of Fearless Acts" challenge. Follow along as I step out of my comfort zone, do things that scare me, that I've never done before and/or are just plain silly and make me laugh!